Phil Gosling is one of those few marketers who’s emails I really look forward to reading.
He doesn’t send one out very often, but when he does it’s like a work or art, both entertaining and packed full of useful info.
Here’s a classic example that landed in my inbox a few minutes ago:
Movie Script.
Internet wars episode one.
(These words moving away from you with star-field backdrop. Dramatic music.)
A long time ago in a Galaxy far far away the evil empire under the Sith Lord ” Internet expert” had rebuilt the disabled death Star and created a new weapon even more powerful. The new “Google star” was armed with a revolutionary mind interference ray called, the Adword.
Armed with this new weapon entire worlds could be enslaved by believing the myth of passive advertising. Thousands of star systems and their populations fell under its influence. Previously sane, intelligent people were instantly bamboozled into sending millions of star credits to the Google star in the hope of building businesses of their own whereas, in fact, it only made the Sith Lord and his Google star even more powerful.
Meanwhile, on the distant planet Croissant, hidden in the ancient and disused jam butty mines, the last remaining Jedi and leader of the new Republic, Dr Gozzo, was marshalling his troops…
(Scene cuts to tall, handsome, bearded, living god – Dr Gozzo, speaking to thousands of space-suited soldiers standing in a makeshift hanger. The sign ‘Strawberry jam is good for you’ hangs forlornly in the distance, a symbol of a better time long before the evil Health & Safety Executive sucked all enterprise from the human soul. Dr Gozzo rises to speak …)
“My friends, for years the dreaded Google star has terrified and misled the people of the Galaxy and we must destroy it at all costs. Our team of dedicated scientists has uncovered a major flaw in its construction. Many have died to gain this information.
The Adword Ray persuades the innocent that passive advertising is the only way. The Sith Lord and his many apprentices take full advantage of this to draw star credits from the poorest people who are led to believe this nonsense.
My friends, active advertising is the way. Active advertising was the old Jedi way. The envelope appeared on the doorstep. It was opened and read. Although many were thrown away, the message was imparted. It was an active process where the reader had no choice but to view the message simply because it was thrust in front of him. Television advertising is the same. It is active. The message is placed in front of the reader.
The myth of passive advertising is evil. It requires the reader to drag himself away from “EastStarEnders”, or “Corona-Station Street” and sit in front of his computation device. It requires him to take the initiative and dial in to the Google star homepage interface.
It requires him to use the same keywords you have used when setting up your search engine optimisation. All these things must be done spontaneously by the reader without your influence. In the unlikely event of anyone doing this they will be presented with the dreaded Adword homepage, a page so evil that your advert may or may not appear according to the competition for the highest bidder.
And the Google star is programmed to hike up the costs at random.
Indeed you have no idea when or where your Adword appears. All you know is that it costs.
My friends, active Internet advertising is banned. The idea where you can send your hallowed message directly to a million e-mail addresses is now named after a tasty and nutritious luncheon meat and cannot be used. But there are millions of websites, literally millions, who have databases of their own. And active advertising is allowed when owners of large databases contact their people.
As a result our teams of scientists have invented a new weapon to combat the dreaded Google Adwords Ray. It is called the JV Ray. The JV, or joint-venture, is active. It targets your offer directly to millions of people who have already indicated their desire for more information. It does not require them to get off their blessed backsides first.
They will receive your message in e-mails from your joint-venture partner.
They will receive your message in the newsletters from your joint-venture partner.
Or in their blogs.
They may see it on the homepage of websites they go to frequently on their favourites list, without using search engines.
Furthermore they have a good relationship already established with your joint-venture partner and therefore trust their judgement. Such a recommendation can boost response rates up to 20%. This means that a joint-venture partner having a database of only 17,500 subscribers can generate 100 grand in sales of a small $29 item.
And the joint-venture partner will receive most of this and be more than happy to do business with you.
Anyone with a good product or message merely has to contact a suitable JV partner to actively achieve in days something that would take years to do passively.
My friends, this is a true breakthrough. The death of the Google star is imminent. Your rocket businesses and space fliers have now been armed with the new JV Ray. Go now and fill the Galaxy with your transmissions. Long live the Republic.”
(Camera draws back as thousands of flowers fall from hangar roof. Dramatic music. And cut.)
No animals were harmed in the making of this production.
No spurious sales messages, special offers or other sales rubbish is included in this presentation.
Phil’s Blog does not harm clothes nor irritate the skin.
But it does make you think.
From Phil Gosling’s Newsletter, to get on his list visit:
http://www.homepublish.com/
or
http://www.renegadelemming.com/